I was reading a blog post this evening by someone who told a story about a young woman who was desperately unhappy with her life, her career and her relationship. The author mentioned that although she was not happy with her life, she would not make the decisions required to get her out of that rut and unhappiness.
The reason why? The pain she is experiencing now is something she is familiar with. It is known to her. She may not be happy but it is comforting to her in it’s familiarity.
This blog post hit very close to home. There is a decision that I have been putting off for a long time now, because to make the decision would cause me a lot of pain. That pain frightens me. I don’t want to know what it would be like. But here’s the kicker. By not making that decision and staying where I am now, is causing me terrible pain. Every day is a challenge to pretend to the world that all is well.
On the surface I am happy, fulfilled and content. I have my wonderful children, my friends and my work which keeps me busy. When I have free time, I use the opportunity to read and learn new things. And all of this is fulfilling, but there is a deep hole in my heart that will not get healed by staying where I am.
There is no guarantee that by making the decision I know I need to make, that the hole in my heart will go away. It probably won’t. However staying where I am now has not healed it either. So what do I do?
Do I take a chance, make the decision and know that the pain will crush me? Or do I stay where I am now and allow the pain to slowly tear me apart until I am a shadow of who I can be. Do I live in hope that things will change? Or do I force a change, regardless of the cost to my heart.
There is no clear answer.
I am reminded of the quote; “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results”. I have lived with this particular situation for two and a half years and there has been no change. Hope is the only thing that has kept me going.
Then I read a quote that said “You should not give up on the thing that you think about every day”. Is it giving up if I make the decision? Have I lost faith? Is my judgement so flawed by my heart that my decisions in the past were wrong?
I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is that I have to make a change. No matter what decision I make, it will not change how I feel. The pain will be just as great but maybe, just maybe, by making the radical change required my life might change.
So in June next year, when my lease is up, I will be moving to a new home. My heart will shatter even further but it is better than dying a slow emotional death.