Today I came to terms with the knowledge that I am a freak. What does that actually mean?
It means that I have totally accepted the wierdo that I am. It only took me 52 years, but now I have embraced it.
When I love, I love totally. There is no escaping it. People will run and hide, because I insist on seeing the best in them. They don’t see it themselves, but I see the pure soul that God created. Perfect.
I see the person they were meant to be. And the person they are now. And I love both versions. Their path is not mine. All I can do is help them see the better version of themselves. Even if they insist that my vision of them is not true.
They often don’t believe me. After all, it is only Diana, who wears her heart on her sleeve. She has always said that about me. She does not know the deep dark secrets I carry within me. She is so naïve. She is ‘desperate’ (Yes, I have that thrown at me several times). What does she know?
Well. More than others actually. I am not perfect. I mess up every day. I have experienced anger, vindictiveness, sickness, and a loss of hope. I have felt the devastation of total betrayal. I have felt the pain of rejection because I am not who they want me to be. I have been so close to the abyss, that the memory still haunts my dreams. What if I had done it?
I have let myself down on so many occasions. Promises I never kept for other people. Promises that I made to myself that I never honoured. I have allowed life to drag me down into a deep dark hole,
But still I see the perfection in myself, despite all of life’s challenges. Despite all the heart break, broken promises, betrayed trust and slander and gossip from other people. I see the person I am finally meant to be. And if I can be that vision I see of myself, why can’t others? There is nothing special about me. I am perfect, just as you are.
A friend has said consistently that I am resilient. That I go through deep valleys in my life and yet I never give up. Why is that? Is it true?
All I know is that there has to be more to life than this dreadful pain that everyone seems to be experiencing. There has to be more than the tragedy, self-serving behavior, and horror that seems to pervading the world nowadays.
Can I change any of that? I so wish I could, but I can’t. Except. By loving one person at a time. By believing in them, until they see the truth about themselves.
Does it sound arrogant when I say “ You don’t realise how lucky you are, because I have chosen you”?
Maybe it does, but the fact remains, I did choose them. And since they were brought into my life for a reason only God know,. I will honour that. And be there for them.
Does it make me a martyr? No clue. But I have given up asking the question. If you cannot walk away from someone, despite all the pain they have caused you, and themselves, then they are in your life for a reason.
So. That makes me a freak.
I am okay with that.