I have had my heart broken by two people during the last month. And all because of lies and gossiping. That kind of pain that strikes you when you discover the betrayal and lies is crushing. It’s so bad you wonder why it does not kill you. It leaves you struggling to breathe because the very air is sucked out of your lungs. The worst part is that it came from two people who I trusted completely. I would have given my life for them. Instead they are the ones that pulled the trigger.

The foundation on which those relationships were built crumbles. Everything you thought you knew about the person turns out to be a figment of your imagination.

I spent weeks asking myself why. Why would they lie to me? What did they gain from it? I have some of the answers and they all stem from their own personal gratification. One person said to me that they knew they would lose me as a friend if I knew the truth. No shit Sherlock. When a friendship has a foundation built entirely on lies, of course that friendship will collapse when the truth comes out. The very core of the relationship that you both worked on to build did not exist in the first place.

The other person gossips endlessly. This person makes up stories and creates total drama whenever they open their mouth. They are constantly blaming others for their issues.  It has taken me years to finally figure it out. The damage they have caused to the relationships around them has been all their own doing.

I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. Am I just a total fool for trusting them in the first place? I don’t know. Perhaps I am but this much I have learned – I will trust again. The reason is that I know not everyone is out to use you. There are decent people out there and I will not allow myself to become bitter, angry and vindictive. Although revenge is a burning desire when you first discover the betrayal, it eventually fades. I know that the decisions they make will determine the outcome of their lives. Just as the decisions I make determine the outcome of my life.

The truth will hurt once, but a lie will hurt forever.

As difficult as it may be, honesty is the only way to build a relationship.A friend said to me recently “It takes courage to be your friend. You call your friends out on their bullshit, but you expect them to do the same to you. Most people cannot handle that type of honesty”.

I am in no ways perfect. I know my faults far better than anyone else. The difference is that I am not afraid to face my dark self. I know the kinds of thoughts that run through my head and I try to face that side of me that I don’t like with courage and the determination to change the things I have to.

I reacted very badly to the betrayal and said some things that I will regret for the rest of my life. But there is another part of me that says that things said in anger and pain are often truthful. Perhaps they needed to hear my truth about them. Either way I don’t care anymore.

I have forgiven both of them, but this much I know – I seriously doubt that I could ever rebuild a relationship with either of them again. Every time I think about them and the possibility of reconciling, the betrayal washes over me, reminding me of just how little I meant to them.I was not worth the truth. Our relationships were not important enough to trust me with the truth, no matter what their justification was. Perhaps time will prove me wrong. Perhaps they will change. Perhaps I will. But change takes courage and not many people can face their own demons and bring about a change.

You can miss someone so badly, not for the person they are, but for the person you thought they were.

So now I move on. A little wiser. A lot sadder. But I know that I will survive this and be stronger for it.