Every time I think I have my life sorted out, life throws a big messy curve ball.
In 2015 I fell in love with a man, who does not love me, but still I held on. Why? Because I am naïve enough to believe that people can change and become the best version of themselves I see inside of them. But they won’t. Not until life knocks them down so badly that they think it’s better to die. Maybe they will die or maybe they won’t. But that is not up to me.
During 2016 I lost both my parents. One to death, and the other to life.
I cut ties with my mother, for a hundred reasons, which I won’t go into detail on the post. She will probably read this. I don’t care. The freedom and peace that has filled my life since then has been worth the loss. There is just so much gossip, drama, lies and blatant self-obsession I can take before I crack.
I lost my father to cancer in October 2016. We had a very rough relationship, but it was only when he had his heart attack in June 2015, that we started to heal. He became softer. So did I. By the time he died, he was the father I had always wished for.
To this day I will never forget the smile on his face when I told him that my sister and I were talking again. We had not spoken in over five years. Making peace with my sister was worth that smile of pure joy. He may have been a difficult man, but he loved us all. He just never showed it, until it was almost too late.
I lost someone else that year. One of my best friends. I still do not know why. But in hindsight she did me a favour. I am no longer judged by what is acceptable and ‘fabulous’. I can be myself without the haunting thought that I may be criticized because I did not match up to her social standards.
This week I lost someone else. It was my decision. I cannot stand by and watch someone I love self-destruct. The pain and trauma of caring too much comes at a price. A price to me, so I finally decided to walk away. Permanently. They will not change, and nothing I can do will ever make a difference.
There will always be an element of pain when I think of all them, but sometimes you have to make the really shitty decision to walk away, because the cost is too high.
I want to live. I want joy and adventure in my life. I cannot do that if I being dragged down by other people’s opinion of me, or their opinion about themselves.
The last two years have also been good. I have made a few new friends that accept me for who I am without judgement. I still have a handful of old loyal friends, who will call me out on my bullshit, but love me regardless of the path I walk.
I have three wonderful children, who are feisty, eager to learn, and who will all go on to achieve remarkable things in their lives.
I have a roof over my head, food on the table, money in the bank, and a working car. My health needs a little work though, but that is because of the choices I have made in the past.
I am blessed.
New challenges and adventures await.