Have you ever noticed that when your life gets flushed down the toilet in one area, all the other areas of your life tend to follow eagerly into the sewer system?
R.I.P
I have been through some really tough times throughout my life but the experience where I had my heart broken and shattered into a million pieces did not just bring me to my knees. It crushed me and left me broken, unable to breathe and so close to picking up a gun and blowing the pain away.
It destroyed every shred of self-esteem and self-worth that I had in myself. Getting passed over for a younger, prettier, sexier, richer woman than yourself, by the man you know you will love forever will do that to you.
The added challenge was that we lived in the same complex, a heartbeat away from each other. So the first night she slept over I was very aware of it. That night was a night filled with horror, despair and a desperate desire to hurt and destroy him as much as he was hurting me.
I discovered that I was capable of a white hot rage that could result in violence, destruction and possibly even murder. Thoughts of smashing her car windows and scratching my keys along that over-priced piece of German crap she was driving spun out of control in my mind and then escalated into taking a baseball bat to both of them until there was nothing left but a bloody mess on the floor.
All I can say of that night and the nights that followed is thank God for my friends. I was so terrified by the thoughts in my head that I phoned my oldest friend and did a manic freak out on the phone. She just let me cry and scream as I had a complete breakdown.
Everything fell apart. I went into a deep depression that filtered into every aspect of my life. My work suffered, I let clients down and to be honest I really did not care. I would spend most of my time numbing myself by watching movies just to escape that soul-destroying pain. Nothing mattered any more. I would get up in the morning, get the kids ready for school, drop them off and then come back and then do nothing except cry. I did not care if I lived or died. There was only one thing that stopped me from really ending it all and that was the thought that if I did die, there would be no-one to look after my children.
Gradually over the next few months, the depression changed to rage. My rage extended to God, people, my business and how life was so unfair. I had spent my life giving and giving and giving, and working my butt off for 18 hours a day, and all I seem to get back is a great big ‘Stuff you Diana’.
I decided to become the exact opposite of the person I was before. I used to be a firm believer in the thought that if you give of yourself to other people you will back it back a hundred times. Clearly this was not the case because here I was – rejected, broke and bitterly unhappy.
I became a complete shrew. I deliberately broke relationships with some friends and family because I could no longer tolerate any of their superficial rubbish. I wanted to find out what it was like to be bad, to not obey the rules that society and my upbringing had drilled into me.
On one particular occasion I went to the shops and bought a few items. The cashier forgot to ring up an item and I noticed it. In the past I would have said something immediately to make her aware of it but this time I kept my mouth shut. I walked out of that shop with the item in my shopping bags, knowing that I was now a thief. I was giving life a great big ‘Stuff You’ back and I have to tell you – it felt really good.
In the past I avoided confrontation. Now I went looking for it. The slightest provocation would set me off and I was harsh, sometimes deliberately cruel, especially if it involved the man I loved. I would no longer tolerate anybody talking to me like I was a no-body or disrespecting me in anyway. I know that I offended some of my very dear friends during that time because I would no longer listen to their well-meaning advice. All credit and my deepest gratitude goes to them for tolerating and loving me unconditionally through that time.
I pushed the boundaries of my behaviour and attitude as far as I possibly could, just to see what lengths I was prepared to go to ensure I now got what I want from life. With time passing, the boundaries receded back to the person I am now.
One realisation I had is that murderous white hot rage that I experienced comes from a place of deep and profound hurt. When you are invalidated and rejected as a person, the response is rage. Why rage? Because deep in your heart and soul you know just how much you are worth, but you have allowed yourself to be defined by someone else’s actions and attitude. The rage is not at them, but at yourself for believing that.
I am not a thief. That good feeling that I got from walking out of the shops dissipated far sooner than I thought it would. I realised that by stealing that item I was hurting the cashier. She would have had to pay for it. I returned to the shop and told the cashier that she had forgotten to ring up the item and I paid her for it. I walked out of the shop feeling good, and that good feeling has not dissipated.
I am still however part-shrew. The Doormat Diana that just gave and gave of herself no longer exists. She died when her heart was shattered.
This new Diana still loves with all her heart and is capable of great compassion and empathy. She now knows that her self-worth is not determined by what other people think or say or do about her. She is the only one that truly knows herself and is capable of understanding and loving both the dark and light parts of her soul. She accepts herself as a totally unique person who can and will do great things with her life. Any person who is accepted into her heart will be blessed with great friendship, love, passion and loyalty.
This text message that I sent to someone recently sums up exactly the person I am now.
“So let’s get one thing clear. Going forward if you are nice to me, you will get ‘nice’ back a 100 times. Be nasty and you will get the ‘B**ch from Hell’ back 10 fold.”
Written by the dynamic, delicious, delightful and divine Diana who does not give a flying fig what anyone thinks of her.
(Okay Diana, that is quite enough alliteration!)
(Edit) After some reflection I decided to change some of the swear words into something that reflects more accurately the person I am now.
Diana Heuser specialises in e-Business and e-Commerce Solutions. Connect with Diana Heuser on her personal website, her business website, via Twitter @DianaHeuser or on Google+.
Photo from http://www.ablessedday.blogspot.com/
Hugs Di, that is a horrifying abyss to fall into. You got stronger as you managed to climb up and outta there. Who knows what’s ahead? I suspect it’s things you have never imagined. I read the whole thread, I doubt if he’s totally innocent. It’s hard to fall completely in love with someone who hasn’t provided some incentive. But you know what – it doesn’t matter. I’d like to say he’s a dick – oops I said it. New doors are opening – and its beautiful on the other side.
Hey Glenda 🙂
Thanks for the kind words. You are right about one thing – it does make you stronger and made me realise that I worth so much more than what he was prepared to offer me.
Di
I’ve been both bad and good, and both have their “highs”. I’ve done both bad and good in the world, and (fortunately for the bad) not received the full recompense I “deserved” for either.
At the end, it DOES come down to you, and what you believe in. Since what we leave behind after our deaths is how we treated other people, I decided – yeah, there was a religious component, but that’s MY path – that I wanted to be remembered for the good, rather than the bad.
Self-serving? Sure. Egocentric? Sure. Total rationalization? Dunno – but I know that I am happier since I made that decision.
And if I’m happier, I have more chances to “do good”. Sometimes that “dong good” is totally a matter of my own opinion (who defines “good”?). But as long as I live up to that unlikely standard, I continue to function, to thrive, to produce, and to help other people reach their dreams.
Which is the definition of a useful life, to me.
Good luck on this!
Hey Hagar,
I think if we try and be ‘good’ according to other people’s definitions we will always fail. It is a matter of our own opinion if we are brave enough to face that we have a dark side as well then we can see the ‘good’ side of ourselves as well.
Thanks for popping by. Next time I will have tea and scones 😉
Di
I’m a big guy; LOTS of scones LOL (and there’s a coffee shop that has cranberry/orange scones nearby, excellent!)
LOL. The coffee will be cold by the time I get there 😀
You’re welcome Diana, that’s what your real friends are for. We don’t care about anything else, we just want to see you happy and enjoying life, after all, that’s what life is supposed to be about.
Every day is precious and not to be taken for granted. We’re all only around for a finite amount of time. So we all may as well get out of life what we can. Of course, life will have it’s ups and downs but it is how we personally respond to these ever changing situations which will affect positively or negatively on our well being.
I’m here if you need me. Anytime.
Kindest regards,
Mark
Hmmm thought you’d gone a bit quiet on me lately lass. Now I know the reason why. (Or at least part of those reasons why).
Of course, I could simply have emailed you but then since the thrust of your righteous indignation has been made public on this post, I’m thinking why not reply here? After all, you’ll read it one way or another and it’s up to you whether or not you choose to publish this reply. Personally, I don’t mind either way. Completely up to you.
Let me tell you this Diana. Anger, that is ‘righteous’ anger is good for you. Or can be good for you if it’s directed properly. Basically your anger is telling you you’re perfectly entitled to these feelings of being betrayed. Your anger stems from the self respect you have for yourself. Which in itself can be a good thing.
When you place so much trust with your emotions and your heart in someone else to look after and cherish you and this person betrays this trust, yep, it hurts like mad. It’s like a knife going in. All you want to do is to lash out at the world as you retreat deeper inside yourself believing nobody else cares, when the bottom line truth is, your friends do actually care about you a great deal.
I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, if you ever need a listening ear, someone to shout, scream, vent or rage at, or simply a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here for you. That’s what friends are for but also as your true friends, we also know that sometimes it’s better to simply pull back and allow you for whatever personal reasons you have to have your own space to heal the wounds of your broken heart.
You see you’re not alone in this situation. Sad as it is, many people (it doesn’t make it right) have gone though something similar to this at one time or another in their lifetime. Sometimes more than once. And yes, it hurts emotionally like crazy. Feelings torn asunder, hopes and dreams dashed, our emotions and personality taken for granted the pain is almost unbearable.
But like most things in life, us humans being a rather resilient lot, these raw feelings do given time, diminish and life, well, it goes on.
Don’t allow these feelings to take you over to such an extent you end up deceiving and denying yourself the future happiness you know you deserve. Lots of your friends recognise in you a very beautiful person, hey, it’s what you’re known for. You always were an extremely kind soul, full of joy and laughter, fun to be around – a nicer lady one could not hope to meet. Take it as a compliment. Genuinely meant.
You know, happiness, contentment, trust in others, these feelings will return given time. I’m not saying the emotional journey will be always be easy but it will get easier with time if you allow yourself the time and space to heal.
You have a choice in any given moment which thought patterns you wish to latch onto. If you choose to latch onto those thought patterns which are self destructive, you will end up self destructing yourself if you feed these thought patterns with more attention than they deserve.
On the other hand sometimes a negative soul destroying thought pattern can float across your conscious mind and you recognising it for what it is, you can simply acknowledge it’s presence but rather than feeding it, just allow it to float on past unhindered. Thing is, you are what you think you are. If you think bitterly you’ll only get bitter emotions back in return. If you think more positively about the situation you’re in however, your healing time will be much reduced.
It seems to me right now (and I say this as an old time friend to you who cares about you as a friend) that what you need right now is some space to rediscover who you are and where you want to go in the future. Just because one man and his mistress have done these things to you does not mean everyone else is at fault.
Your true friends will stand by you no matter what. Whether there in person or many thousands of miles away it’s what real friends do. Support each other. Listen to our friends when they’re going through a rough patch. They’re not going to judge you one way or another. They’ll see you through the good times and the bad. And no matter what you can depend on a few of us (whatever you may think to the contrary presently which is perfectly understandable) to always be there for you if you need us.
But hey! What do I know? I’m just a big clumsy goofball of a bloke in his mid forties who is pretty hopeless at this kind of thing. Nonetheless I hope my simple words of comfort and understanding go some way towards helping you find more peace and happiness in your heart once again.
If you ever need a hug – holler. The offer is there.
(((((Diana)))))
Kindest regards,
Mark
Mark, you are too kind.
There are times when we have to do this on our own because there is no-one who can help you even if they have gone through this before. What has , amazed me though is the people that have reached out after reading this. I believe that we go through all these challenges for a reason although there are times that we may never know the reason.
To be fair to the gentleman in question he did tell me a while ago that he did not want a relationship with me but it was already too late. I was so deeply in love with him that the pain was the same as a betrayal but he did not betray me.
One of the other things that I learned, which I forgot to mention is acceptance and forgiveness. Without those I could not have moved forward.
I am so much stronger now and less tolerant of people who do not treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But that’s ok. If someone does not treat me right, I know enough now to walk away and let them go in peace.
Thank you my friend for being part of my life. It means a lot to me.
Di